How to Handle Insecurities in a Relationship

Finding a person who qualifies to become your significant other can be a feat in and of itself. Someone once said that the world of 21st-century dating and relationships is an extreme sport. As you come to that relationship, whether through a dating app, a blind date, or a meet-up at a coffee shop, you bring everything that you are, both the good and the bad, into the relationship.

The good thing about healthy and secure relationships is that we can entrust ourselves to our partners, warts and all. If we are primed to give and receive love, we can be vulnerable and open about our weaknesses.

However, if you feel insecure in a relationship, you may be hesitant to divulge your weaknesses, and you aren’t able to enjoy the relationship because you’re constantly on edge. Being able to handle your own and each other’s insecurities in a relationship can help you be at peace and flourish as a couple.

What are insecurities?

The term insecurity can cover a broad range of thoughts, feelings, attitudes, and behaviors that indicate uncertainty and a lack of confidence. Sometimes, our insecurities are about the relationship itself, such as when we’re not sure that the person we’re with is right for us. At other times, our insecurities are more about ourselves than they are about the other person. For instance, when you’re not sure if you are the right person to be in this relationship.

The motivational speaker Tony Robbins says:

“Relationship insecurity means you’re unsure and unconfident about your relationship. It’s a deep belief that you just aren’t good enough for your partner, that you don’t deserve love, or one of many other limiting beliefs that cause you to feel anxious. You may doubt your value and have a low sense of self-worth. You may even be living in a state of fear, always worrying about what your partner is doing when they’re not with you.”

As one can imagine, having relationship insecurities is dwelling with fear as a permanent companion. If you’re insecure in a relationship, you’re always living with doubts and worry, which diminishes the potential of the relationship as well as your ability to flourish within it.

How insecurities come about in relationships

Insecurities in a relationship can stem from a variety of possible sources. It’s important to recognize that insecurity may have external factors that motivate it, but often they stem from within. Ultimately, you are in control of how you feel about any situation, but it isn’t wise to dismiss insecurity as simply a lack of confidence without attending to the reasons that underlie some of the causes of insecurity.

Insecurities can come about in a relationship through one or several of these means:

The actions of others, such as betrayal, abuse, or trauma

You may become insecure in your relationship because your partner cheated on you and betrayed your trust. That experience can rock your relationship and leave you feeling, justifiably so, uncertain about your future together.

Other actions, such as a spouse who neglects or abuses you can also lead to the development of insecurities. A relationship, romantic or otherwise, is meant to be a safe space – physically, emotionally, and mentally – and violence can destroy that sense of safety. You can become insecure in a relationship if your partner can explode in a temper at any time, and a child can be insecure in a relationship with their parent if the parent is inconsistent and unavailable.

A change in circumstances

There are many ways one’s confidence can be shaken, including a change in one’s body image, for example. For instance, if you get a skin condition that leaves you scarred, or you’re in an accident and lose mobility or functionality, or if you get pregnant and it changes your body, that can affect your body image and bring about a loss of self-confidence.

Losing one’s job can also change the dynamic in the relationship and cause a loss of self-confidence. In addition, moving to a different city where you don’t have a support system can bring about a loss of self-confidence as you rediscover who you are in the new space.

It’s not unheard of for spouses to lose touch with each other after the arrival of a new child, and that too can undermine the certainty one had before the baby’s arrival. These and many other changes can bring about insecurities in a relationship.

One’s attachment style

If, as a child, a person experiences inconsistent parenting, neglect, trauma, or abuse, it can lead to the development of an anxious attachment style. The hallmark of this style of attachment is that one is never sure of their footing in a relationship, and one needs constant reassurance and validation that everything is fine and will be alright.

An attachment style, which is the pattern of how a person relates to others can change over time, but it takes work to get there. Without putting that work in, one will naturally relate to others with fear and uncertainty that they are truly loved.

Whatever the cause of insecurities, you aren’t trapped in that space. Self-worth and self-confidence can be built up and rebuilt, and one can move from fear and anxiety toward confidence and security in a relationship. God can transform how we view ourselves, and He can heal us from the trauma of our past.

There is hope, as these words from the apostle Paul to the Christians in Corinth remind us – “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come” (2 Corinthians 5:17, ESV).

What do insecurities do to a relationship?

When you are insecure, you may act in ways that are destructive and self-defeating. You may even sabotage your relationship because of insecurities. Some of the ways insecurities affect a relationship include:

• They can erode a sense of safety and consistency which is important for intimacy and vulnerability.
• The attention-seeking behaviors of the insecure partner can be off-putting for their partner and the people around them.
• They can lead to conflict and constant arguing, as well as communication breakdown.
• They sap energy as one seeks to constantly validate or reassure the insecure partner.
• Jealousy, fear, and worry abound in the relationship.

Insecurities in a relationship are poor soil for a relationship to thrive in. For your relationship to flourish, you need to handle your insecurities and address them at the root so that they don’t undermine your relationship.

How to handle and overcome insecurities in a relationship

Insecurities in a relationship reflect a lack of confidence in the relationship, in oneself, or both. To effectively address relationship insecurities, both fronts need to be tackled. Whether or not you are the insecure one, some ways to proceed to address insecurities include:

Confronting the area of insecurity

Are there specific behaviors that are triggering insecurity in the relationship? If the insecurity stems from something you’re doing to your partner such as verbal abuse, that behavior needs to cease, and you need to seek help from an anger management therapist. Whatever mistakes may have happened in the past, you can create new stories and renew your relationship.

If you’re the insecure partner and your insecurity stems from within and isn’t connected to something your partner has said or done, then you need to name your insecurity and lack of self-confidence and begin addressing it. The Word of God is powerful and can help us reframe our thoughts about ourselves, including helping us become humble.

Tim Keller says, “The essence of gospel-humility is not thinking more of myself or thinking less of myself, it is thinking of myself less.” Sometimes, dealing with insecurities needs for one to simply think less about themselves.

Communicating honestly about it with your partner

Insecurity in a relationship doesn’t only affect the one who feels insecure. Insecurity breeds unhealthy behaviors that affect a partner in negative ways, and being honest about how you feel can allow your partner to hold you accountable.

If there are needs that aren’t being met, communicating that to your partner will help them know where they can step up to help. Communication helps a couple to know how to stay connected and in tune with one another, which goes a long way to dealing with insecurities about the relationship.

Seeking help from a licensed therapist

None of us have everything we need in ourselves to deal with the complexities of life. As a couple, you don’t have to figure a way through your insecurities by yourselves. Other couples have insecurities, and licensed therapists understand the dynamics of such situations.

Your therapist can help you develop effective communication and through discussion, they can unearth the needs that aren’t being met and the root of any insecurities that are present in your relationship.

Through reframing your thoughts and disrupting unproductive patterns of thought and behavior, your therapist can help you unlearn what leads to insecurity while learning and building up your confidence. Don’t allow insecurities to undermine your relationship. Nip them in the bud and seek the help you need to place your relationship on a sure footing.