Facing Anticipatory Grief

The things that make our lives worth living are the very things that make it hard to carry on when we lose them. Our friendships, our loves, the routines, habits, and people that populate our world and give it shape; these things bring light and joy into our world. When we lose them, it can feel like we’ve lost pieces of ourselves, and we find ourselves reaching out in the dark for meaning and a way back to who we were and what life once was.

Grief is a reality that we all must face at some point in our lives. When we grieve, we allow ourselves to feel the fullness of the loss we’ve experienced, and by slow measures, we begin to come to terms with it.

Grief, however, can be complicated and messy. It doesn’t follow any strict patterns, and one of the challenges it presents is that it doesn’t always happen after the loss has occurred.

Naming Anticipatory Grief

More often than not, the word ‘anticipate’ is associated with good things. You anticipate a vacation or time spent with loved ones. You anticipate your weekly or monthly cheat day to give you a break from your typical eating habits. You anticipate a wedding or some other special occasion. However, at its root, anticipation is simply about having an eye toward what is to come. Usually, it’s positive, but what’s coming down the pike might also be negative.

Anticipatory grief is grief that’s related to the expected loss of a loved one. Just as we would typically call ‘grief’ the psychological and emotional process of coping with the loss of a loved one, anticipatory grief is the same kind of process, except it sets in before the loss actually occurs. There is an inevitable separation or loss that is coming, and anticipatory grief is one way to prepare for that future.

When a person goes through anticipatory grief, it’s no less painful than the grief a person experiences after a loss occurs. When a person is going through anticipatory grief, they can feel sadness, anxiety, guilt, fear, and anger over the impending loss and its implications. They may find themselves engaged in preparatory behaviors such as saying their “goodbyes,” creating memories with loved ones, and putting their loved ones’ affairs in order.

Why We Experience Anticipatory Grief

Grief and loss aren’t easy to go through. It can be debilitating and exhausting to work through the many thoughts and feelings unleashed by loss. One of the challenges for a person facing anticipatory grief is questioning ‘why allow grief before its time?’. Surely, they think, there will be time enough to grieve after the loss occurs? These questions and others like them can delegitimize one’s grief, making it harder to process.

There are a variety of reasons why people experience anticipatory grief. For one thing, it’s a form of emotional and mental preparation. When a huge change is on the horizon, it can take time not only to process the emotions that accompany change and develop effective coping strategies but also to gradually adjust to the impending change.

In the same way, a person may need time to begin gradually adjusting to the idea of living and doing life without their loved one.

Anticipatory grief also creates opportunities to reflect on the relationship they had with their loved one and to reevaluate their priorities to focus on what matters. Instead of waiting until the loss occurs, it’s possible to begin resolving any unfinished matters, expressing gratitude and love to a loved one, saying ‘goodbye’, accepting the loss, and starting the process of letting go.

In addition, anticipatory grief can also help a person cope with the loss. Grief can numb you and your emotions, and that can serve as a protection from experiencing the full impact of loss. It is one way to cope with the feelings of anxiety and uncertainty that accompany the impending loss.

The Times and Places of Anticipatory Grief

Anticipatory grief can crop up in a variety of circumstances, but the more common scenarios are the ones where one expects to experience a significant loss. Some of the situations where anticipatory grief commonly shows up include the following:

Terminal illness Various health conditions can result in a terminal diagnosis, including cancer and end-stage organ failure, like heart, liver, or kidney failure. Additionally, neurodegenerative diseases like Parkinson’s, ALS, or Alzheimer’s may also trigger anticipatory grief in the patient as well as their loved ones.

Aging and chronic illness If you’re a child, watching your aging parent fade and fail before your eyes, whether it’s physical or cognitive decline, can lead to anticipatory grief. So too in the situation where someone is living with a chronic illness like diabetes, it can worsen with time. Other life-limiting conditions like HIV/AIDS and cystic fibrosis with poor prognoses may also trigger anticipatory grief.

Life-threatening or traumatic situations If you or a loved one is awaiting an organ transplant and you have a poor prognosis, that could lead to anticipatory grief. This grief may also set in if you have a loved one with a significant or terminal injury, such as a traumatic brain injury or injuries to the spinal cord. Facing life-threatening complications during pregnancy may also lead to grief.

Military service and deployment The family and loved ones of military personnel may also experience anticipatory grief due to the grave risk of injury or death as they serve. Loved ones facing ambiguous loss, such as when a loved one goes missing in action, can also experience anticipatory grief.

An impending breakup Sometimes, a relationship is on the rocks for a while, and it may be clear that things are headed toward separation or divorce. Anticipatory grief may result in grieving not only the loss of the relationship as it once was but also the future loss of the relationship as it is.

Anticipatory grief shows up in many different situations when there’s an impending loss. It’s not always possible to say what situations and circumstances will trigger anticipatory grief.

Facing and Coping with Anticipatory Grief

Grief of all kinds unleashes powerful emotions like anger, fear, and sadness. You might feel angry about your loved one’s illness, the medical care they’re receiving, or how it diminishes them from how you remember them. You might experience guilt about unresolved issues or past conflicts. You could also feel anxious about the loss and its impact on you and other loved ones.

How do you cope with and face anticipatory grief? For one thing, you need to allow yourself to grieve. Instead of stuffing down your emotions or trying to delay them to a later date, face them however you can here and now.

If you’re feeling sad, acknowledge that, and identify that it is indeed sadness that you feel. Part of grieving is trying to understand why you feel sad and constructively dealing with that.

As you grieve, you must take the time you need and carve space for yourself to rest and rejuvenate. It may seem counterintuitive, but you need it. Do things that allow you to relax, reduce your stress levels, and help you be emotionally healthy. Get quality sleep when you can and eat healthy food without resorting to it as a source of comfort. Exercise can also help reduce your stress levels.

Anticipatory grief can rob you of the present by drawing your gaze to the future. You can seek to make the most of now by concentrating on the present, spending quality time with your loved one, and creating lasting memories while cherishing the time you do have together.

You can also cope with anticipatory grief by seeking support, whether in the form of loved ones or from a mental health professional like a grief counselor. Your counselor can help you work through the emotions and thoughts brought about by your grief.

Grief creates a challenging emotional landscape that is hard to navigate. With guidance from your counselor, you can journey through your grief and cope well with it. To learn more about how a grief counselor can help or to schedule an appointment, contact our office today.