A Grief Denied: Addressing Disenfranchised Grief

When his wife Joy died in 1960, C.S. Lewis wrote a meditative reflection on his grief. He explored, quite candidly, his doubts, anger, and bewilderment at losing his wife to cancer only three years after they married. When the collection of reflections was first published, Lewis did so under a pseudonym, N.W. Clerk, perhaps because of how deeply personal the work was, and the way he was wrestling with his faith in God.

Grief is in many ways a deeply personal thing; it’s your relationship with the loved one you’re mourning, and the connection you had with them is something only you understand fully. The title of Lewis’s book is A Grief Observed; it speaks of Lewis’s journey as he remembered his wife and tried to understand the meaning of her loss. But his experiences don’t necessarily stand as a representation of what all grief looks like.

While grief is already hard because it is isolating, when that loss isn’t recognized for one reason or another, it becomes even more challenging, and your mourning is dismissed. When grief is denied, it can have many negative consequences for the individual. However, it’s possible to still grieve and work through loss even when it’s not recognized by others.

Examples of Disenfranchised Grief

Disenfranchised grief is grief that isn’t approved of or recognized by your family, community, or society. We, meaning our culture and communities, assign value to things. Our belief systems, cognitive frameworks, and worldviews shape our values and taboos. They shape what is considered important, as well as what is considered desirable and worthy of pursuit. This applies to what ‘counts’ as a loss.

Disenfranchised grief occurs when you feel you’ve experienced a loss, but the people around you don’t consider it a true loss, worthy of grief. As a result, the support that people typically receive is not offered, and you might even be chastised for grieving what you “ought not” to be grieving. As a result, on top of working through your loss, you’ll also experience a lack of support or even disapproval from others.

It may help to offer a few examples to identify what disenfranchised grief might look like in real life. For example, when a beloved family pet dies, but you’re in a community or space where the death of a pet is considered unremarkable, or insignificant in light of other, “real” losses. Your loss, therefore, won’t be recognized or given space. You won’t be given time off work, and you may even be made fun of.

Another example of disenfranchised grief is the end of an unsanctioned relationship. For instance, the end of an affair or the death of either person involved is a loss that could be dismissed. Due to the nature of the relationship as one that doesn’t have societal support, recognizing the feelings of loss would perhaps be taken as inadvertently approving the illicit relationship.

Furthermore, grieving a loved one who died as a result of substance abuse or addiction, or grieving the loss of a pregnancy because of abortion, could be unrecognized as “traditional” grief. Because there’s a stigma attached to substance abuse and abortion, and because they violate social and moral norms, they will often be invalidated, unacknowledged, and unsupported by others.

These are just some examples of disenfranchised grief. Others could include grieving an ex-partner even when the relationship ended some time ago, the loss of a partner in a polyamorous or LGBTQ+ relationship, divorce or separation, infertility, grieving the loss of a career or sense of purpose, grieving a miscarriage or stillbirth, and grieving the loss of a familiar environment or community, to name a few.

The Impact of Disenfranchised Grief

When you experience loss, it is healthy to mourn and begin the long and complex process of coming to terms with it. This is a necessary step that helps you begin to make sense of your own life after you’ve experienced loss.

When grief is denied, whether by yourself or because other people don’t create room for you to grieve, it can affect you deeply. The grief can become intensified and prolonged. Denying your grief can result in emotional numbness, which can disconnect you from the people around you, and make it hard for you to connect with your own emotions.

If your loss is related to a significant role or relationship in your life, disenfranchised grief can also lead to a loss of identity, as well as self-doubt and shame. Feeling unsupported and disconnected from others can also lead to social isolation. Feeling that others don’t understand you, or that they’re making light of your loss, can also lead to strained relationships. You may feel resentful and angry toward your loved ones.

As with other forms of grief, experiencing disenfranchised grief can lead to symptoms such as insomnia, fatigue, changes in appetite, a weakened immune system, headaches, gastrointestinal issues, muscle tension, difficulty concentrating and remembering things, anxiety, depression, and so on.

Lastly, disenfranchised grief can inadvertently perpetuate the stigma and shame that created this form of grief in the first place. As a result, it can be even more difficult for those experiencing similar disenfranchised grief to seek support or connect with the people around them.

How To Address It

Scripture invites us to “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15, NIV). For a variety of reasons, loved ones may not feel comfortable mourning particular kinds of loss, making the experience of grief a difficult one.

Addressing disenfranchised grief doesn’t necessarily require you to persuade or compel others to see your loss. Validating your own experiences can help.

Some of the ways you can work through disenfranchised grief in your life include:

Validate your emotions Acknowledge what you’re feeling and what you’ve gone through. Even if other people don’t see your loss as legitimate, you can honor the loss and recognize it as such. Whether you journal or create a memorial, you can find ways to tell yourself “This was real”, even if no one else will.

Take care of yourself Grief affects you emotionally and physically. It can be exhausting and draining. Exercise and other physical activity help to improve your mood by releasing endorphins and flushing cortisol (stress hormone) out of your system. You can also use creative expressions like music, art, and writing to manage your emotions and reduce stress. Getting a good night’s rest is also a gift to yourself!

Don’t blame yourself. Loss unleashes a variety of emotions and thoughts. With disenfranchised grief, it’s easier in some ways to be unkind to yourself, blame yourself for your emotions, and be impatient with yourself. After all, the thinking might go, if other people don’t have time for your grief, why should you? Avoid blaming yourself and treat yourself with compassion and kindness.

Educate others In some instances, you may feel it necessary to share your story with others to help them better understand your grief and be more aware of it. You can also advocate for change and support organizations that help to promote awareness of disenfranchised grief.

Seek support One of the more painful aspects of disenfranchised grief is not receiving support from the people you most expect or want it from. But that doesn’t mean you’re out of options. You can join a support group of those who have experienced similar losses or participate in online forums or communities to share your story and connect with others.

You can also find support from a therapist or counselor who understands disenfranchised grief. Your counselor will provide you with a safe and non-judgmental space in which to share your concerns, thoughts, and feelings. Your grief matters, and you can find healing and ways to cope with your loss.

Reach out to our office today to connect with a counselor and work through your grief.