Under the Anxiety Hood: Finding the Hidden Links Between Parents’ and Kids’ Mental Health

Anxiety in adults is increasing. One study suggests that 43% of adults feel more anxiety than they did a year ago. Anxiety and fears range from financial and health issues to politics and safety. But one thing is clear: Adults who have anxiety are more likely to have children who also have anxiety.

Like a mechanic looking under the hood of a car to examine the roots of an engine issue, this article explains what anxiety is, how parental anxiety impacts kids’ mental health (including teens), and ways to help each other through it.

What is anxiety?

At some level, anxiety can be normal and even helpful in small amounts. Think about getting nervous for a test, so it makes you sit down and study, or preparing for a tough presentation at work because you are a little worried you’ll stumble over your words. If a little nervousness or fear of not doing well motivates you to prepare and stay on track, and it is not debilitating, you may be okay. Anxiety disorders, however, are different.

An anxiety disorder interferes with your everyday life, can cause dread, fear, and extreme fixation on what-ifs that prevent you from taking risks or trying new things. While the cause is still unknown, doctors have identified six main types of anxiety disorders. The most common traits of an anxiety disorder are that it interferes with your everyday life, causes you to respond in extreme ways, and is difficult for you to control.

The types of anxiety range from generalized anxiety disorder, characterized by fear and worry about everyday life that can be detrimental and all-consuming, to panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, phobias, social anxiety disorder, and agoraphobia.

Why Parents’ Anxiety Levels Have Risen

It’s tough to nail down why parents’ anxiety seems to be rising, but multiple factors may be at work. Parents today tend to bear stress that compounds in several areas of life. Financial concerns, work, health, and a desire to set up their children for a lifetime of success may be partial contributors.

Other influences are lack of sleep and the always-on nature of today’s culture. Being able to see what’s happening around the world and constantly hearing bad news also makes it difficult. You can see or hear information everywhere, from driving to work to scrolling on your phone. It’s a challenge for parents to shut down their brains.

Does parental anxiety influence kids’ mental health?

Recent research suggests that one of the top influences on the experience of anxiety in kids and teens is their parents’ anxiety and how they handle it. Now, not every parent who struggles with anxiety from time to time is going to negatively impact their kid’s mental health.

Parents can have a positive impact simply by caring for their own well-being. Jennifer B. Wallace, author of the book Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic – And What We Can Do About It, says that relationships are the best way for parents to take care of their mental well-being.

A parent’s best mental health tool isn’t a spa day or a regular weekly golf game. It can be a trusted friend that they confide in, a spouse, or a group of friends. Relationships that are built on common values and vulnerability are what contribute to positive health outcomes, including a way to deal with everyday anxiety that can then have a positive impact on kids and teens.

Anxiety disorders on the other hand still need other kinds of treatments. Although making sure your friendships are built on common core beliefs and values is paramount for taking care of yourself as a parent and caring for your kids, those with anxiety disorders need additional care.

When a parent’s anxiety is up, a child or teen senses it. The child is often in a front-row seat for the way a parent’s anxiety either hinders them or helps them, or some of both. Letting a child know that your struggle is real is okay, but also let them see ways you’re choosing to care for yourself, too.

Helping Your Anxiety: A How-To for Parents and Kids

We’ve already touched on the first, and healthiest ways, to manage your own anxiety: fruitful, vulnerable relationships where you can be yourself. Another tool in your anxiety management toolkit is to bounce some of your anxious thoughts off a close friend who doesn’t typically struggle with fear and worry. These kinds of friends can present a different perspective, especially if you find yourself obsessing over an event or a what-if that may happen.

Another way to manage fear and worry about future events is to set a phone alarm for when you typically struggle. If your thoughts begin to swirl at night, set a reminder that encourages you to focus on the present. You may want to have a Scripture verse or two ready for those moments, something you can read on your phone or commit to memory.

Bringing your mind back to the current-day reality can help you recognize the beauty of life lived in the moment. Another healthy practice is gratitude and paying attention to what you can control versus what you can’t.

Acknowledging where God has been good in your life, and how He has given you blessings even during hard seasons is a powerful tool. Gratitude equips you to recognize that your ability to control situations and outcomes does not determine God’s kindness in your life.

A daily practice of noticing and naming the good in your life can ward off a focus on the what-if negative events you hear about in the news, among other parents, or even from your kids. This can even become a family practice if you invite your children and teens into it.

The next time you’re spending Saturday morning over pancakes together, ask everyone to go around the table and name two areas where they saw God’s goodness this week. It can be something small like a sunset, a smile from a friend, the waving of a deadline at work, or a test that was easier than expected.

Other tools include getting enough rest and coaching yourself and your kids on how to develop better sleep habits. It can be increasingly difficult to help teens get the rest they need, but some strategies include having a consistent shut-down time for all technology, even for parents. You can also set a limit on how late schoolwork or projects are allowed to be worked on, even if they go to bed unfinished. It also helps to pay attention to the household patterns and rhythms.

Setting guidelines like no technology in a bedroom or movie-watching is a family activity, not a solo experience, can help. But the research also suggests parents already feel guilty for not managing their own anxiety better, and students feel worried for parents who are stressed or worried about the future, finances, and the state of the country.

It’s important to set yourself up with patterns that will help your mental health rather than harm it. Remember to give yourself some grace when life gets busy and your patterns are interrupted. Just get back to them as soon as you can by taking small steps toward wellness.

Listening and Letting Others In

Two threads in the research studies about parental and child/teen anxiety are feeling heard and seen, and a biological component. These should encourage you, and here’s why.

First, listening doesn’t cost anything except time. When your child is explaining how they feel or what they are worried about, the investment you make to hear their fears and ask questions to help them sort out their worries magnifies their support system.

They learn that you are interested and you care about their struggles. But they also learn how to reflect and ask questions to get to a healthier mental state. Reflective questions such as “What do you need from me?” or “What’s one small way you can prepare for that or take something off your plate today?” help children and teens learn that they can be resourceful.

Teach children and teens that they’re resourceful and can take small steps toward freedom from anxiety. This equips them for the problems they face now and those that will come in adulthood.

Second, seeking outside help is another way to meet the need to be seen and heard. This can be done through family counseling since anxiety is often a familial issue, even if it seems that only one person in the family struggles with it. It impacts how the family operates, and the family can help whoever is struggling by how they respond.

For example, waving off a person’s fears isn’t the way to help them know they’re being heard. Instead, teach everyone in the family to ask an open-ended question and affirm their feelings. A family counselor can help everyone practice responses: “I am sorry you’re worried about that; I understand it probably feels like a lot right now. What do you need the most right now?”

Knowing that some part of anxiety is genetic can be encouraging, too, because it means that parents don’t need to blame themselves for their child’s struggle. Instead, you can approach the struggle together, arming each other with encouragement and grace to learn how to cope in healthy ways.

Seeing a counselor will also help you identify the types of anxiety you and your children have. They can suggest additional tools, which can sometimes include medication and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for kids’ mental health.

Learning to love one another through support and grace is something counselors are well-equipped to coach and teach. Call the office today, and we’ll match you with someone in your area who offers treatment options for kids’ mental health.