The Right Things to Say to a Loved One with Depression

It isn’t always easy to know how to support someone dealing with depression, even when they are a close friend or relative. Sometimes, even our best efforts come across as awkward or, worse, hurtful. It’s not uncommon for people to avoid their friend or loved one battling depression simply because they don’t know what to say or how to help.

Although they might pull away from the friendship first, your loved one with depression really needs your support. You don’t need to walk on eggshells around them. You also don’t need to try and avoid the subject of depression or mental health. It helps when you can understand what depression is and what your friend or loved one might be thinking and feeling.

Depression is not a mood

Although much of the population will deal with depression at some point in their life, most people don’t truly understand what depression is. Some see it as attention-seeking behavior. Others believe that it is a mood that people can “snap out of” if they try hard enough. The true origins of depression could be a number of things, each one as complex as the next.

Depression can be a mental illness, such as a mood disorder. It can be a reaction to trauma, a symptom of another underlying issue, or a side effect of an illness. In every case, depression is not a choice, and it is not something that a person can easily treat.

Depression needs to be diagnosed and treated with medication, therapy, or a combination of both. There is a difference between feeling down and being depressed. One is a mood that will eventually pass; the other is an illness that may or may not pass in time.

The Right Things to Say

When you communicate with someone in depression, try to remember that it is not their fault for the state they are in. People with depression often feel misunderstood, worthless, and burdensome. They need to be reassured and encouraged in the right way, confident that you are by their side no matter what storms may come. Here are some helpful things you can say to someone with depression:

“I love you whether you’re up or down. You are always enough.”

Depression makes people self-conscious and insecure. They might feel as if others are judging them for their low energy, appearance, or general state of being. They might need to hear that their depression doesn’t change the value of your friendship with them. They might need to be reminded that you value them constantly.

“I want to spend time with you, even when you’re feeling down.”

When people get depressed, they usually make a “safety zone” in their house. This is a physical space where they can be themselves, however messy, unkempt, or unattractive. It can be jarring to spend time with a friend in their lowest of low states. It might take courage for them to allow you into their safety zone. However, sometimes, you need to make a clear statement that you want to be with them, even at their lowest.

“Not even depression can take away your best aspects.”

There’s no getting around the fact that depression severely limits a person’s best version of themselves. A person with depression feels sluggish, numb, and exhausted much all the time. They might feel as if they are being the worst version of themselves because they can barely look after themselves, let alone anyone else. They need to know that their value lies beyond being helpful, generous, or even active.

“You don’t have to pretend around me. I don’t love you less because you are struggling.”

Everyone wears a mask sometimes. We all like to present the best image of ourselves to gain praise, admiration, or acceptance. This mask becomes too heavy to wear in depression. The reason many people with depression avoid social interactions as much as possible is because they can’t spare the energy to pretend to be okay. Let them know that you don’t care about perfection. Permit them to be themselves and validate them despite the depression.

“I’ll be here for you on your good days and your bad days.”

Depression rarely exists and operates alone. Most people experience anxiety, fear, and shame along with depression. The future can look bleak when you can’t see past today. Almost everyone with depression could benefit from knowing that they have someone in their corner, sticking by them regardless of their mental state. You might think you have made it clear to your loved ones that you aren’t going anywhere, but sometimes it helps to tell them that plainly.

“I’m so proud of how you are getting through this.”

Many people with depression still must get up, be a parent, clock in at work, be a dutiful spouse, or simply look after themselves. They do all of these things despite having no energy or motivation and often while feeling physically ill, panicked, numb, or emotional. It is a genuine achievement that people with depression get through each day. Sometimes they need to hear that. You could provide the boost that they need simply to make it through the day.

“You’re going to get through this. I understand how it doesn’t feel like that now, though.”

Being a friend to someone in depression is like walking a tightrope. On one hand, you want to encourage them, and on the other, you want to acknowledge their issues without minimizing them.

The best kind of encouragement carefully notes the hardships, validates them, and speaks strength to the person facing them. Before you tell your depressed friend how proud you are of them, observe them first. Note how they’re coping so that when you do bring encouragement, it is genuine and not undermining.

“I’m glad you are part of my life.”

Everyone needs to hear this occasionally, although no one more than your loved one with depression. They need to know that they are still as valuable to you as they were when you first met, possibly even more valuable now. Depression can rob a person of their dignity and sense of self-worth. It is your duty as their friend to remind them how valuable and loved they are, regardless of their mental state.

Footprints in the Sand

There is a story that hangs on the back of many a bathroom door about a man looking back on his life and talking with Jesus. He sees his life as two sets of footprints on a sandy beach but notes that sometimes only one set of footprints is visible.

He felt completely alone during some of the most challenging moments of his life and blamed Jesus for abandoning him in those moments. Jesus assures him that it was in those moments he was not alone. There was only one set of footprints because Jesus was carrying him.

We have the opportunity to do the same thing for our friends with depression. Depression is debilitating on a physical, mental, and emotional level. We don’t need to announce our support or make grand gestures for our loved ones.

We simply need to be consistent, generous, and thoughtful to our loved ones with depression. Just keep showing up and helping where you can. Share the strength that you have with them so that, one day, they can look back and see the times when you carried them.

If you would like further information on how to support someone with depression, or if you would like to talk to someone about your struggles, consider meeting with a counselor. Helpers often need help, too. Contact our office today to get connected with a counselor. We are happy to set up an appointment for you or your loved one.