Dealing with Negative Emotions and Avoiding Toxic Positivity

Everyone has times when they feel depressed, angry, outraged, or bitter. Some of us may have been taught that such emotions are negative because they do not produce anything healthy or positive. This can lead us to pretend that we are more emotionally robust than we feel, and we might expect others to adopt the same attitude. This is called toxic positivity.

The roots of emotions

Every emotion has a root. Sometimes that root is an event we went through. For example, we might feel anxiety around men because we experienced sexual assault in the past. Even if the event happened in childhood, it could result in real emotions in our adult lives.

If we were to dismiss that anxiety as negative and try to be more positive and trusting, not only would it be ignoring a problem that is still in us, but it might also put us into a vulnerable situation. Just as a tree cannot be killed by picking off its leaves, we do not heal by ignoring our emotions, even the ones that make us (or others) uncomfortable.

What is toxic positivity?

Simply put, toxic positivity is the pressure to always remain upbeat. We hear it in phrases like, “Just get over it,” or “I’ll be fine – it’s nothing.” Sometimes it can even lurk in genuine encouragement. “Think happy thoughts,” and “look on the bright side” seem like they would be helpful, but they invalidate feelings and minimize a genuine trial.

Scriptures and Bible verses are regularly taken out of context and used as weapons of toxic positivity. The irony of this is that God sees past our pretenses. He sees the root of our pain and struggle. He made us as emotionally complex as we are, and He is delighted to walk the journey to freedom with us, through the trauma. We may be able to fool others with a falsely positive outlook, but the Maker of our hearts sees the truth.

The truth will set you free

The root of toxic positivity is often anxiety or fear. We adopt a falsely positive outlook on life and demand it from others because we are afraid to look in the mirror and see a mess. Toxic positivity is a form of perfectionism that denies reality and pressures us to always perform well, conquering any challenge with the greatest of ease. This is simply incongruous with human experience.

Overcoming toxic positivity is about acknowledging the reality of how we feel or how others might feel. It is looking for authentic hope, rather than fake positivity. That could mean that we have to acknowledge all emotions, even the ones we view as negative. Here are some examples of how to begin being genuinely encouraging to yourself and those around you.

Instead of saying, “Just be positive!” you could say, “I can see that you are struggling. You’ve got through difficult things before, and I believe you can get through this.”

Instead of the popular, “Good vibes only” ideal, we could adopt, “Honest vibes welcome here.”

Rather than telling our friend or ourselves, “See the positive in this,” you could say, “Things don’t make sense now. Hopefully, soon they will.”

“Never give up!” is unkind to tell someone who already feels defeated. Instead try telling them, “Surrender is okay. What outcome are you hoping for?”

To the friend feeling down about something, refrain from saying, “Cheer up!” Instead, offer them, “It’s hard to feel like this. What would bring you joy today?”

“You are always so negative,” could be changed to, “I understand why you’re struggling with this. It’s a lot to deal with.”

Behind these encouraging statements is an acknowledgment of reality, with a kinder and more authentic word of encouragement. It takes practice to break free from toxic positivity, and sometimes we might find freedom for ourselves but still have to challenge those around us. Remember that acknowledging reality is a form of finding truth. Sometimes the truth of a situation feels negative, but it is not the end of the story.

Finding help overcoming toxic positivity

Trauma and the pains of the past cannot just be forgotten or “gotten over.” It takes courage to confront the negative or painful things of our lives. Often a professional is needed to deal with these hurts and move toward healing.

If you are struggling through something right now, perhaps you don’t feel like there is a safe place to talk about it. Consider talking to a counselor at Texas Christian Counseling in Allen. There is nothing that you can say to shock a professional counselor, and each one creates a judgment-free environment for their clients. Contact our office today at Texas Christian Counseling in Allen and we can get you started with one of the faith-based therapists in Allen, Texas. They will skillfully and kindly help you on your healing journey, leaving toxic positivity behind.