What to Do When Your Friends are a Toxic Couple

Most of us at one time or another in our lives have had that one friend that our parents warned us wouldn’t be a good influence on us. We might have brushed that off as parental paranoia, but as we grow older we begin to see the wisdom in curating our friendships. This can be true in your relationships as a couple as well.

There is wisdom in these words from Paul: “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’” (1 Corinthians 15:33, NIV) Our lives aren’t hermetically sealed off from the influence of others. This makes the choice of the company we keep an important one, even as a couple.

What then does one do if they have friends that aren’t a positive influence?

What is a toxic couple?

To begin with, it’s important to define terms. The word toxic has gained a lot of traction in popular parlance over the last few years. Appended to anything, it communicates the idea that whatever it is attached to ought to be avoided at all costs because it is at best unhealthy and at worst downright dangerous. Such an understanding leads us to immediately ostracize whoever and whatever is labeled as toxic.

While the term toxic may have a broad semantic range, the word will be used here to denote unhealthy patterns of thought and behavior. A toxic couple is therefore a couple that displays unhealthy patterns of thought and behavior in their relationship.

Using this definition of toxic is helpful for us to become more empathetic. If we’re honest with ourselves, we all have unhealthy patterns of thought and behavior in our lives. Some of these may manifest under specific circumstances, such as when we’re stressed, or they relate to certain areas of our lives, such as at work or in romantic relationships.

In some ways, we all display toxic behavior, and one can attribute that to the fact that we are broken and sinful human beings living in a broken and sinful world. We all can be a bit selfish, fear emotional intimacy, or fail to handle anger appropriately on occasion.

What might set a toxic couple apart is that these habits and ways of doing things are so ingrained in how they relate to each other that it is the norm rather than the exception. They are not simply going through a tough season; this is how they are all the time.

Signs of a toxic couple

It’s not always easy to discern toxic habits within ourselves, and more so in other people’s relationships. Toxic couples often have compensatory behaviors that can mask unhealthy patterns.

For instance, in situations of domestic abuse, sometimes the abused partner will make excuses for their partner or hide the abuse for the sake of the relationship or their safety. This makes it complicated for an outsider to discern what’s going on, but there are some signs to look out for that point to a toxic relationship.

Some signs of a toxic couple to look out for include:

There are always crises. Life is unpredictable, and we can’t always control what comes our way. However, with a toxic couple, there are always crises that need to be resolved, most of them stemming from bad decisions rather than circumstances.

You and your partner are constantly being drawn into those crises. If you find that you’re always being called upon to help resolve their crises, whether it’s through financial assistance, breaking up fights, or helping them make decisions, that’s a sign they may be a toxic couple.

They aren’t accountable. Taking ownership of our decisions is part of being an adult. A toxic couple, however, does not take accountability for their decisions, always blaming others for things going wrong in their lives.

The relationship is unsafe. A healthy relationship is a place of physical, mental, and emotional safety. A toxic couple will often indulge in abuse, whether it’s one-sided or going both ways. There may be physical abuse, or emotional abuse through verbal insults, manipulation, control, criticizing, and gaslighting.

The results of abuse are often the loss of self-esteem and self-confidence. If you find that your once-confident friend is now insecure and unsure of themselves since entering a relationship, that may be a sign of a toxic relationship.

They are self-centered. A couple can be toxic toward others because they are self-focused. Have you ever been with friends who do nothing but talk about themselves, and you only seem to be an accessory to their existence? That can be debilitating and draining.

A toxic couple will draw you in to support them, but you can’t count on concern or support from them. Additionally, a couple can have toxic dynamics in how they relate to each other because the relationship is geared toward the flourishing of one of the partners.

You feel drained after spending time with them. Being with friends is one of life’s pleasures, and when you have great friends, it’s a source of life, laughter, and support. A toxic dynamic in a couple can often be depleting for the couple as well as the people around them. If you find yourself feeling drained (emotionally, mentally, and physically) after spending time with a specific couple, that may be a sign that they are a toxic couple.

Handling toxic friends well

It’s a common practice nowadays that anyone and anything toxic in your life ought to be excised from it. This has its good points, but it can also stem from a lack of patience, empathy, and wisdom.

You should consider how long the toxic behavior has gone on for, such as if it’s something that recently developed in your friends, or it’s always been that way and it’s only now that you’re aware of it. Sometimes our friends need our support because they are going through a season, as we do. But in other circumstances, it’s wise to step back.

Some things that you can do to handle a toxic couple that are your friends include the following: 

Recognize and name toxic behavior for what it is. Don’t deceive yourself about what you see going on, and don’t pretend that all is well. If you have concerns about their behavior, share those with them so they can begin working through it. You are not doing them any favors by acting like there’s nothing wrong.

As the Proverb says, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” (Proverbs 27:6, NIV) Your words will hopefully be taken in the spirit they were intended and inspire change.

 Take stock of yourself. Is this toxic relationship something that you’ve been a spectator to for a while now? If the couple is toxic toward you, you need to ask: why is this relationship something you’re holding onto?

In other words, you need to take a close look at yourself and what your friendships communicate about you. It may be the case that you struggle with people-pleasing or other codependent behaviors, in which case you need to see how you might be part of the problem.

Talk with a Christian counselor about any concerns you may have about how you’re relating to your friends. They can help you discern if there may be unhealthy patterns of behavior and thought that you are indulging in.

Don’t feel like you have to fix them. While on the subject of codependency, you can influence people positively, but it’s just as likely that they’ll influence you. At times the pathology of a toxic friendship is that you feel it’s your responsibility to fix your friends, but that may simply be the manifestation of codependent behavior.

Your friends have to take responsibility for their relationship. Stepping in to try and fix it for them is just a different way to be toxic. You can suggest they go for therapy with a Christian counselor, but it’s their responsibility to find one and be consistent in attending their sessions.

Be at peace about walking away. Losing a friend can be painful, but sometimes it’s necessary. If your friends don’t want to change or don’t put effort into changing, you’re not necessarily doing them a favor by sticking around. You may be doing them and yourself a major disservice. Being able to commit people to the Lord and walking away from them may be the best thing you can do.

For help with these types of friendships, contact our office. The counselors in our office are trained to help you by offering wisdom and Godly advice for how to move forward in a healthy way.