The Narcissitic Mother

The bond between mother and child is often complex and can encompass conflicting experiences. Many of us have shared a seemingly loving and respectful bond with our mothers through childhood and teenage years, only to reach adulthood and realize that our mother has been gaslighting, manipulating, or treating us unfairly for most of our lives.

A narcissistic mother can be arrogant, entitled, controlling, overly critical, and attention-seeking. The effects of being exposed to her ways can leave us with low self-esteem, diminished trust, and physical and emotional exhaustion from the lack of boundaries in the relationship.

This article highlights some common experiences shared by those with a narcissistic mother and goes over some options for coping with these particular types of relationships. However, this information can be applied to relationships with any influential narcissistic relative or loved one, and the term “primary caregiver” may be used in place of the word “mother.” Being able to identify how a narcissistic mother has impacted our life is often the start of dealing with childhood trauma.

What is narcissism?

Narcissism is a personality trait that looks like extreme self-centeredness, self-absorption, an inflated sense of self-importance, and a lack of empathy. It leads a person to think that they are better or more important than anyone else, that their values are the best, or that their way of doing things is the only correct way.

Narcissism is a spectrum, and those at the extreme end of the spectrum have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a medically diagnosable mental illness. It can be difficult to diagnose because narcissists barely ever accept that something might be wrong with their personality.

Beneath their mask of unbreakable confidence, narcissists are often fragile and insecure and regularly react emotionally to even the slightest criticism. This can mean explosive outbursts, accusations of bullying when you were simply trying to keep them accountable, and a good dose of gaslighting behavior. A narcissist tends to disregard or dismiss the feelings of others, while simultaneously demanding attention or sensitivity toward their feelings or experiences.

Narcissists tend to be charismatic, charming, and likable people, and very few would suspect them of being toxic when first getting to know them. They cleverly obscure all of their selfish traits behind powerful charisma and surround themselves with friends and admirers who will not confront them or hold them accountable.

Narcissism comes in two types: grandiose narcissism which is bold, aggressive, and dominant, and vulnerable narcissism, in which the person swings between feeling insecure and inferior and arrogant and superior.

What does a narcissistic mother look like?

Narcissistic parents often act immaturely for their age, throwing tantrums when they don’t get their way or lashing out verbally when they are confronted. They may have volatile mood swings or act like completely different people when they are out in public, exchanging their harsh opinions and judgments for charm and politeness. A narcissistic parent will often brag about your achievements to others, but barely acknowledge their pride in you when you’re alone with them. Who they are at home is often vastly different from who they are in public.

One of the most damaging traits of a narcissistic parent is their lack of emotional availability or warmth to you as their child. They may express annoyance or frustration when you make a demand for their attention, and yet expect your immediate acknowledgment of them when they need something of you.

The narcissistic mother has no regard for boundaries, and from childhood will place a high value on things like honesty, or having “no locked doors in this house.” All of this translates to her need for there to be no place from which she is exempt. The narcissistic mother cannot stand to feel excluded and might interpret the real need for privacy as a boundary that keeps her at arm’s length or diminishes her control over you.

A narcissistic mother is nearly always intolerant of a difference of opinion, or differing value systems. She sees her child as an extension of herself, and disagreements are viewed as personal attacks.

Adopting a new political ideology, changing our preferred music genre or style of dress, or simply having a differing opinion on a celebrity are all areas that trigger some emotional reaction in the narcissistic mother. As we become adults and our mother realizes that she can no longer control our actions or preferences, she might belittle or dismiss anything that does not align with her preferences.

The effect of a narcissistic mother on adult life

A parent who neglected our emotional needs, forced attention onto themselves, controlled and manipulated every aspect of our lives, and belittled or attacked us for having a difference of opinion has likely caused much damage.

Acknowledging this does not mean we are villainizing our parents, nor does it mean we are helpless victims whose lives are destroyed. It is important to see things objectively if we are to know how to move on, or how to cope with a narcissistic mother who continues to affect us.

If we grew up with a narcissistic mother, then we likely have low self-esteem as adults. We may second guess every choice we make, especially those that do not meet our mother’s approval. We might regularly feel chronic guilt, anxiety, or fear of disappointing others, and a deep need for approval even from strangers.

We might struggle to express or regulate our emotions like sadness, disappointment, or anger because it never felt safe to express them at home, and regulating these emotions was not something you learned to do with a narcissistic, emotionally volatile mother.

Growing up with a narcissistic parent has probably meant that you developed an insecure attachment style, and you might have difficulty forming close emotional bonds with others, or developing trust in relationships. A mother who never respected your boundaries (and likely still doesn’t with you as an adult) will also likely mean that you don’t know how to assert boundaries in your adult life.

Trying to do so might result in your feeling guilty, anxious, or selfish. In addition to all of these things, you might feel indecisive at all times, you may always have your mother’s critical voice in your head, and all of this might result in insomnia, depression, anxiety, or even substance abuse.

How to cope with a narcissistic mother

It often takes decades to recognize how our parent’s hurt us or just what effect they had. This can lead to uncertainty, strained relationships, and a plethora of emotions that we have to deal with as adults. Firstly we must accept that this is common, we are not beyond help, and that there is work to do for us to live fuller, healthier lives. And if we are hoping for an apology from a narcissist, it may be time to adjust our expectations.

If you have realized as an adult that your mother is narcissistic and is still making demands of you, or is still negatively impacting your life, the first thing you’ll want to do is establish healthy boundaries. This may be entirely unnatural for you and might take a lot of practice. Saying “no” to your mother’s demands for attention is a good place to start.

You could also practice refusing her advice about your relationships or aspects of your life that she should have no control over. This might result in her having an extreme emotional reaction, or accusing you of heartlessness, but keep a guard over your emotions and let her have her tantrum. When she has calmed down explain to her that you are in control of your own life, and might value her opinions occasionally.

A second thing that you will need is a support structure in the form of friends and confidantes. If you grew up without emotional support, you will need it as an adult. Having safe people who genuinely care for you with no agenda is vital.

You might find that you regularly need to verbally offload your frustrations, and having someone with whom you can do this will teach you to regulate or express your emotions. You might also need some unbiased perspective on your mother’s actions because years of being gaslit or manipulated have not given you the ability to be subjective about others’ motives.

Lastly, we recommend that you begin to unpack some of the trauma with a professional therapist or counselor. There could be layer upon layer of damage, and trying to bear it alone can lead to exhaustion or post-traumatic stress. Involving a professional will give you the solid foundation you need to find healing.

Where to begin

If you have realized that you were affected by a narcissistic parent, but don’t know what to do next, we can help. Simply reach out to us and we can connect you with a professional counselor with whom you can consult and decide your next steps. You do not have to struggle alone, and it is never too late to begin helping yourself.