Examples of Gaslighting in a Relationship and How to Respond

Gaslighting is a subtle form of psychological manipulation in which the gaslighter tries to make you feel as though you are going crazy by twisting reality to make you doubt your memories and perception of events.

The word gaslighting comes from a 1938 play called Gas Light, by British novelist and playwright Patrick Hamilton, in which the husband makes his wife question her sanity by, among other things, surreptitiously dimming the gas lights in their house and convincing her that she’s imagining it.

Examples of gaslighting in a relationship

• Your partner discounts your feelings by telling you that you are being irrational, overreacting, or oversensitive.
• Your partner denies saying or doing things, even when you show him or her proof and insists you must have imagined it or are making it up.
• Your partner refuses to accept your apologies and punishes you by withholding affection or giving you the silent treatment.
• Your partner constantly accuses you of reacting disproportionately to events and of making mountains out of molehills.
• Your partner often denies or changes facts you clearly recall or breaks promises he or she made, and tells you that you never remember things correctly and must have misheard him or her.
• Your partner pretends not to understand what you are talking about, keeps saying you are not making sense, and that you are confusing him or her.
• Your partner tells you blatant lies, and when you call him or her out on them, insists they are true and you don’t know what you are talking about.
• Your partner trivializes your needs and concerns, telling you that you are too needy or clingy.
• Your partner describes fabricated scenarios and insists that you said or did things that you know you did not.
• Your partner tries to isolate you and pull you away from your friends and family.
• Your partner makes you feel as though everything you say or do is wrong.
• When you are in a group, your partner often talks over you or interrupts you so you can’t get a word in.
• Your partner avoids taking responsibility for his or her actions and blames you for them.
• Your partner constantly makes fun of you or puts you down under the pretext of teasing you and refuses to stop even when you ask him or her to.
• Your partner turns others against you by spreading rumors or making you look bad.
• Your partner tries to convince your friends and family that you are mentally unstable.

Signs that you may be a victim of gaslighting

• You focus on your character flaws.
• Your self-esteem is as low as it can be.
• You often feel confused and disoriented and question the validity of your thoughts.
• You sense something about your relationship is wrong, but you can’t put your finger on what.
• You feel as though you are to blame for whatever is wrong and do a lot of apologizing.
• You wonder if you are too sensitive.
• You keep second-guessing yourself and have a hard time making decisions.
• You feel as though you are walking on eggshells whenever you are around your partner.
• You feel hopeless and helpless.
• You no longer recognize yourself as the person you used to be.
• You say yes to things you’d rather say no to and lie to avoid disagreements or any kind of confrontation.
• You make excuses for your partner’s bad behavior.
• You feel as though you are losing it.

How to respond to being gaslit

• Validate your feelings and focus on the truth of them and what triggered them, rather than on who is right or wrong.
• Resist the urge to defend yourself or allow yourself to get sucked into an argument.
• Stop the conversation and leave the room if your reality is being denied.
• Gather evidence to prove you are not imagining or forgetting things.
• Keep a journal with dates, times, and details of what happened and how you felt so you have documented proof you can refer to later.
• Take photos and use voice memos to record events and help you to fact-check your memories.
• Confide in a trusted friend or family member and ask him or her for his or her perspective and help to see the situation more clearly.
• Set boundaries.
• Pray, and ask God for His help and guidance.
• Consider counseling.

If you recognize yourself in this article on examples of gaslighting in a relationship and would like to set up an appointment to meet with one of the faith-based counselors at our location, please give us a call at Allen Christian Counseling in Texas.