How to Form Secure Attachments

If you’ve been on social media in the last few years, chances are you’ve heard something about attachment theory; the idea that the relationship an infant has with their caregiver forms the basis of their attachment style in other relationships as they go through life. Attachment theory can help us understand our childhood experiences and how they might affect the struggles we face in adulthood, especially if they don’t develop secure attachments.

Besides our relationship with our primary caregivers as a child, other experiences can also influence attachment style. While there are several attachment styles – including avoidant, anxious, and disorganized – the “ideal” style is secure. Attachment styles exist on a continuum. You might be more or less securely attached, while still having an overall secure attachment style, for example.

Let’s discuss the meaning of secure attachment and how it can be formed, whether in childhood or adulthood.

What are secure attachments?

For an infant or young child, secure attachment means they have a healthy, trusting relationship with their caregivers and know that their basic needs will be met. They trust that they are safe and that their caregivers will be responsive to them.

At its core, secure attachment is about a sense of safety. The parent of a young child serves as that child’s “secure base” from which they can venture out to explore the world, returning to “base” over and over again until one day they are a fully developed independent adult.

As children grow older, the ones who are securely attached tend to exhibit more maturity and empathy. As we grow into adults, this secure attachment means that we feel internally worthy of love and see others as “generally accepting and responsive” to us.

What does secure attachment look like in adults? Securely attached adults will be less likely to exhibit unhealthy levels of jealousy or clinginess in relationships. They will find it easier to trust others, be honest with people, and work through conflict. They also tend to be able to set healthy boundaries and have healthier self-esteem than people with insecure attachment styles.

How can I form secure attachments?

If you struggle with anxious or avoidant attachment, you might cling to relationships for a sense of security, or push people away out of a sense of being suffocated. It can be difficult to grow in this area, but it is possible to become healthier and move toward secure attachment, even if you didn’t have it in childhood.

Although we cannot control who our parents or caregivers were, we do have the option to become healthier now, as adults.

Some actions you can take include:

• Having a healthy and consistent self-care routine for yourself. This includes positive habits for nutrition, movement, sleep, and screen time.
• Practice healthy coping mechanisms, like hobbies, service projects, or joining a community group. Hobbies can help you self-soothe when you’re feeling anxious or frustrated. Serving others can shift your focus. Being part of a church or other group can help you build relationships in a more structured way.
• Seek individual counseling for insecure attachment styles (more on that below).

If you are a parent trying to make sure your baby or toddler is securely attached, rest assured that by meeting their basic needs, providing a simple routine, and being responsive to them, you are already well on your way to fostering secure attachment.

As they grow older and their emotional needs become more complex, work on your attunement to their emotions and validate them. Don’t be afraid to show them affection as they get older. Work on being present with them (reduce the distraction of screens as much as possible), and practice authoritative parenting, which means lovingly setting firm limits.

Christian counseling for attachment difficulties

If you struggle to implement these practices as an individual or as a parent (or both!) Christian counseling for attachment styles can help you make progress and grow into a more secure person. The counselors at Allen Christian Counseling in Allen, Texas understand how difficult it can be to overcome an insecure attachment style. They also desire to share the love of Christ and how ultimate security can be found in knowing our worth in Him.

If you would like to schedule a risk-free initial session, call our office today at Allen Christian Counseling or browse our online counselor directory.